1. Be polite; diplomacy usually works best. Customer: You didn't get what you ordered. Or you didn't get anything at all. Or the product is broken; it's not what you wanted, etc. You're mad. You want your money back. You want it now! Shoot, you're ready to scream at somebody right now!Fine. But remember that there's a human being on the other end of the line. Most people react better to a positive call. Try to contain your rage until you're sure there's something to be angry about. Retailers know there will be problems with their sales, no matter what. Most will return your money.On the other hand, don't be overly chatty, even if you're not mad. The returns person has lots to do. If you need a friend, find one elsewhere.Be courteous in e-mail, too. People seem to be braver, and more insulting, when they correspond by e-mail. Resist that. Also, resist sarcasm. And don't use all uppercase in your e-mails. That's the equivalent of yelling. The recipient won't be impressed. The result might be surly or slow service.Seller: No matter what you do, or how well you do it, you're going to have some unhappy customers. Not everyone has the personality to deal with them. Customer service often is an afterthought. We assume our products and service are wonderful. Why would anyone be unhappy? Well, I assure you, somebody will be.Employees who are impatient or thin-skinned aren't going to do well in customer service. Our staffers Ted and Marlys handle our customer service. Nothing upsets either one. Both are smart and can solve problems quickly. Don't stick the office ignoramus in this job. Be sure you have staffers you can trust to do it right.And give your returns people some leeway. They are going to have to make decisions. You can't plan for everything. Don't second-guess them. It's a tough job. If you make it tougher, you could end up doing it yourself.

2. The more information you can provide, the better.Customer: When you call or e-mail, remember that the retailer is shipping a lot of items. The person on the other end can use your name to find your order. But things will go faster if you have the order number available. Also, check the return instructions before calling.Many customers feel imposed upon just because they have to return something. That's understandable. You may feel the returns person deserves to feel your pain. But that person probably had nothing to do with your unhappiness. If you cooperate and provide your information upfront, you'll probably receive satisfactory service.If you're complaining by e-mail, don't skimp on information. More information is better than less. Send everything but your shoe size! (Send that, too, if it's relevant.)Seller: Be sure the customer knows how to return goods. Explicit instructions are important. Customers probably don't think like you and they probably haven't thought through the return process.A well-informed customer will make your return person's job much easier. And the customer will be happier. Happy customers come back.

3. Be specific in your requests and policies. Customer: The returns person could be a mind reader. But probably not. So you have to tell him or her what you want. Be specific. Most companies will try hard to make you happy.Do you want a refund? A different product? The same product? A credit on your card? If you aren't sure, ask about your options. Don't assume that returns people know what you want. They don't. So tell them.Seller: You must have a policy on returns and refunds. Again, this is often an oversight, because we assume our customers will always be happy.You need to decide if you want the product back. If it is inexpensive, you might be money ahead letting the customer keep it. If it's shipped back, someone has to pay the freight. That's an additional expense if you pay it. Unhappy customers will grind their teeth if you force them to pay. Unhappy customers don't come back.Only you can decide if the product should be written off. True, sharpies could take advantage of you. But most people just want to smooth out the bumps in their lives.

4. Expect problems with products on CD. More businesses are sending CDs to customers. Some are products, others are catalogs. Prepare for the worst.Customer: Before you complain, make sure you are following the instructions. If things don't work the first time around, re-read the documentation. Lots of people (including me) like to plunge in. Sometimes that doesn't work.If it just won't run, it's time for technical support. If the product includes a telephone number, call. Be sure you're in front of your computer. Write down what you did and what happened. If you use e-mail, include all the details. If you can, capture what's on the screen and e-mail that picture to the support person. (Hint: Press the "Print Screen" button on your keyboard. Then, open Microsoft Word or your image editing software. In the tool bar under Edit, select Paste. You will now have a picture of the screen that you can save to your computer.)Don't get angry with the support technician. Do as he or she asks, even if you have already tried that six or eight times. Recognize that there are endless computer configurations. It's virtually impossible to write a program that covers every possibility.Seller: You're up to your elbows in your program. So, of course, you know how to run it. But remember that many computer users are inexperienced.Distributing a program on CD only works if the device is bulletproof. That means you have to test, test, test. Don't depend on the geeks in your office. They can make anything run. Give it to employees who know nothing about computers. Give them the instructions that customers will receive. Then watch. Don't help. I guarantee you a humbling experience.Dumb the program down as much as possible. Then, dumb it down some more. Even then, you can expect customers to have problems. Assign people to handle the calls. They'll need an encyclopedic knowledge of the program and the patience of Job. Some customers won't know how to use a CD drive. Others won't know whether the label goes up or down. They'll call rather than try both ways.For me, selling a book on CD, "The 50 Biggest Computer Mistakes (and how you can avoid them!)," was much less expensive than printing it. But I knew I had to provide support. Some people just cannot use a computer.