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Some Files Are Better Left Unshared
By Joe Gillen
While working for a Fortune 500 company as a contractor doing a Windows NT 4.0 Workstation rollout, I was given the assignment of preparing a laptop for a company vice president (VP) who had just returned from an expatriate assignment in South Africa. After fighting with a brand-new, nonstandard laptop that did not yet have the required NT drivers (of course, it was top of the line and newer than everyone else’s), I dropped it off and gave him instructions on its use. When he wanted to know every function of every button and shortcut, I showed him.
The next morning, the VP wanted to know why 3 gigabytes of his 10-gigabyte hard drive was used up. I explained that the operating system and standard applications take up a lot of room. This explanation was not good enough. He wanted me to go into Windows Explorer and show him each file—what its function was and why it was necessary. This VP had a meticulous character—it showed in his office, his desk with everything lined up perfectly, and his crisp, perfect speech.
Dutifully and laboriously, I went file by file giving him an explanation on each item until we got to the Temporary Internet files in his profile. (I promised a follow-up on the ones I was unsure of.) It seemed that when he tried out his new Internet connection, he had researched a “social” medical condition he had picked up on his travels. After a brief and embarrassing pause, we concluded the session—with no need for a follow-up.
Finding a Solution Outside the Box
By Harrell Camp
While working for a hospital help desk, I received a work order stating that a user's PC was making a noise that sounded like the hard drive was about to crash. This was not the first time that the user had heard the sound. While she was out to lunch, I checked out the PC. I ran the usual tests—defragmented the hard drive, checked for viruses, and listened intently for the ominous sound of failure that had been reported. She returned from lunch and had no problems for the rest of the day.
The next day, I received another call from the same user who announced that the sound was back. As I entered her office, I could see that she was distraught. I commenced the same routine of tests, while the sound started and then suddenly stopped. It was a low hum, no, more like a buzzing mechanical sound. I sat for about three minutes with her, listening to the intermittent sound.
Finally, I reached down to her purse, where a cell phone was still buzzing, handed it to her, and said, "Please answer your phone."
Garth Brooks' Magnetism Modulates IT Policy
By Aaron Howard
I was working for a food distributor. One of the front office people was a huge Garth Brooks fan, and she told me she was going to see him in concert that night. The next morning, she called and said she’d had a great time at the concert, but her PC would not boot up. She told me she arrived at work, put away her concert souvenirs, and tried to power up her PC, only to find a “no operating system found” error. She had received a new PC less than a week ago, so I was dismayed that there was a warranty issue so soon. From what she had told me, I concluded that the hard drive had failed, so I went over to replace it.
When I arrived, I powered the system up and got the “no operating system found” error she had described. Something did not seem right, but I could not figure it out until I saw the very large dinner plate-sized Garth Brooks refrigerator-type magnet stuck to the side of the case. The manufacturer must have used the most powerful magnet they could find because it took a screwdriver to pull it off. The magnet was placed directly over the hard drive, and once I pulled it off the system booted normally. A new policy was put in place that morning to just buy the T-shirt at the next concert!
Employee of the Month
By Dan Clark
While working for a large financial corporation in St. Louis, I received a call from our 2nd-level IT support at 1:30 A.M. on a Thursday. A customer in Chicago had a very important report due at 8:00 the following morning, his computer had locked up, and he could not get it to reboot.
So I drive the 25 miles in to work to help the customer. I get to the office and talk to the help desk and 2nd-level support to find out what troubleshooting steps had already been taken. They tell me they had the customer reboot, press CTRL+ALT+DELETE, and even unplug the computer, but nothing would work.
I call the customer, who is by now in a panic and thinking he will be fired the next day because he waited till the last minute to get his report done and did not finish. I ask him to tell me exactly what is on his screen, and he says it is his report and it is frozen solid. I tell him to hold in the power button on the computer for about five seconds until the screen goes blank. He does this and then I tell him to push the power button again and tell me what is on his screen. He tells me his report is still on the screen in the exact place before he powered down the computer.
You have to remember this has gone thru 1st-level and 2nd-level support and they have been working with the customer for over three hours on the issue. It turns out he had been turning his monitor on and off for three hours. I told him how to reboot the computer and everything started working fine. About a week later the customer sent a letter to my manager telling of my vast expertise in fixing computers. I was named Employee of the Month for this.
Expert at Everything
By Jim Blunt
Three years ago, I was responsible for the laptop pool and the diagnosis and/or repair of those laptops. I also administered the RAS server and we had just rolled out our new RSA SecurID authentication system. I put together a 13-page RAS connection guide for Win9x/Me, complete with pictures.
The Monday morning after the system went live, one of our engineers (self-professed expert at everything) walks into my office and tells me he can't RAS in... He's been trying all weekend, and nothing works. He's completely frustrated and adamant that the problem is on our end.
Knowing that his keyfob would be disabled after three tries, I went in and reset it. He goes back to his office and tries again...nothing. I check his keyfob again, I check his network account, I check the DCs, I check the dial-in router...nothing. I can't figure out why he can't RAS in. Finally, in frustration, I tell him to sit down at my laptop and try while I watch what he is doing.
He starts up the RAS client and inputs his 6-digit PIN #. Then, as I'm watching, he starts to input his 6-digit passcode...only he starts using the letter keys! Keep in mind that RSA keyfobs only display numbers. Do you see where this is going? Remember that little game you used to play in grade school, where you would turn your calculator upside down and try and spell words? Well, guess what?
This self-professed "expert at everything," armed with a 13-page instruction manual, can't figure out by himself to turn the keyfob over so that the logo is right-side up!
After I explained the problem, he walked away without saying a word, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Needless to say, we all had a good laugh!
A Mother’s Triumph
By Leah Freedman
I called my 83-year-old mom in Connecticut the other day to find her pleased with herself and ready to add Tech Support to her many skills and accomplishments. She had just come home from her volunteer job in the school cafeteria and sat down for a few games of Freecell on her second-hand, 386, Windows 95 PC, only to find all of the icons missing from the desktop. She called her son-in-law for help.
“He told me to turn the computer off and then on again, which I did, but it didn’t help, so he said he’d come by in the evening to look at it. I thought, why should I bother him? I’ll try to do something myself. You know the box that sits on the floor by the desk and always makes noise? I’ve seen him push a little button on that box sometimes, so I tried the same thing. Well, the screen went blank, but it came back on and eventually the icons came back. Ha! I fixed it without anyone’s help!”
One day I’ll try, again, to explain to Mom the difference between the monitor and the computer, but for now I’ll just let her enjoy her triumph in the world of technology.
The Computer Agrees with Me
By Chuck Ballard
Dr. Edward Teller once defined an expert as a person who has made every mistake possible in a very narrow field. Someone else defined an expert as anyone consulting more than 25 miles from home.
Sometimes you need an expert 'second opinion' to convince management that you know what you are doing, and there are no experts around.
I had a manager who called me in and asked me to make a 'back of the envelope' estimate of what the pressure was going to be in a system we were testing if certain events occurred. I spent an hour at my desk working through the thermodynamic equations to arrive at a solution.
When I took that work to my manager, he declared that, while he couldn't follow the equations, his 'experience' told him that the numbers I had come up with couldn't be right. I needed to go back and find out what I had done wrong.
Well, I went back and spent another two hours going over and over the math, and it was dead on. I wasn't going to come up with a different answer. What I needed was an expert opinion to agree with me.
Not having a human expert available, in desperation I turned to my trusty computer. I took a 30-page source listing and added a "GOTO" statement at the top that jumped to a set of instructions I added at the end that printed out some nice columns with headings and numbers 'very similar' to mine, only to 6 decimal places.
I ran the modified program, got a printed output, and took it into my boss with a copy of the source listing. I said, "See, I must be right, the computer agrees with me!" He looked at the stack of paper and my output printout and said, "Yeah, if the computer says so, it must be right."
That was the last I ever heard of the problem. The experiment worked just the way it was supposed to. I guess that's when I learned that the existence of artificial intelligence implies the corresponding existence of artificial stupidity.
That’s Some “X”
By John Larson
Once I was giving a demonstration of a Windows-based application to a group of students at the university where I worked. I was in front of the class, with the Windows desktop projected on a large screen behind me.
As I finished the demo, I said "To close the application, just click on the X in the top right corner," and I clicked the X. The application closed and then the power went out, plunging the room into total darkness and complete silence. As the emergency lighting flickered to life, a voice from the back of the room called out "That's some X."
Personal Information
By Gordon Regar
Caller on my helpline: "Hello. My computer is broken. Can you help me please?"
I answer: "Yes, I would be glad to help you. What is your name?"
Caller: "I won't tell you that."
Me: "Can you tell me what branch office you are in?"
Caller: "I am not going to tell you that either."
Me: "What type of equipment are you using?"
Caller: "No, I won't tell you that either."
Me: "Why won't you tell me these things?"
Caller: "I have been told not to give out any company or personal information over the phone."
Lightning Never Strikes Twice
By Seán Ó Ráighne
During the late eighties, I worked in a facility where we were having problems finding a good electric ground due to local geography. So we were very wary when thunder and lightning appeared on the horizon, and we would consequently advise all users to save work on a more regular basis or, if possible, turn off the equipment. One user took this to heart and did not use the system for six months, as we had not told him that the weather had improved.